Brendan Whitt

WHEN BRENDAN WHITT THINKS...

Blought #30: Obama's Cookout

In 2008 America elected its first black president, Barack Hussein Obama. He ran a successful campaign and completely obliterated senator John McCain. I remember that historic day like it was yesterday. I didn’t have to go to school because of an allergic reaction to something I ate the night before. I sat at home and watched King of the Hill reruns and Loverboy starring Patrick Dempsey and Kirstie Alley (Don‘t ask why).

When Obama became president every black kid from 17 all the way down to five probably realized it was possible to be or achieve whatever you worked hard for. At 17 years old, Brendan Whitt wanted something sensational. Obama was going to tell us all of the secrets. Why was the FBI stalking MLK right before he got killed?  Did the government create crack? Did American Jews receive reparations? Everything was going to be revealed.

I couldn’t wait to see Jay-Z shoot a video on the White House lawn. Most importantly, I was waiting to hear the first president say “nigga” on live TV. Like in a, “The Republicans still trippin’, so me and Joe said ‘fuck them niggas.’ And we got it done.” kind of way. The entire state house would have erupted in applause and cheers. Of course, I was wishful thinking.
In 2012 I got another chance at that dream when Obama beat an equally matched Mitt Romney. At twenty-one I was little more mature. I still wanted my big “Fuck You!” from Obama to the established white hatred in America, but in a more subtle and presidential manner. He proceeded to do just that.

Obama; raised the age for people on their parent’s insurance, passed the farm bill, led the way to protecting the world from nuclear materials falling into the wrong hands, appointed two female supreme court justices, and he stabilized the economy as much as he could.

Obeezy did all of this, among other things, with a majority Republican house and Senate during both terms (with the exception of the 111th US congress which had more Democrats than Republicans. His term will have lasted from the 111th through the 114th  US congress this coming January).

Sadly all good things must end. But before Obeezy and the first family leave 1600 Pennsylvania avenue I want one more thing, a Black White House Cookout. The White House kitchen staff, led by G. Garvin all have to wear leather mandals with socks, cargo shorts or pants, and a brightly colored floral button up button under their aprons.

DJ Drama will be providing all of the cookout’s music needs while Kendrick Lamar and Jay-Z co-headline a concert. Obama will be wearing an all white linen suit from the Steve Harvey collection, who will also be in attendance. The first lady will look stunning in a nice Vera Wang and H&M collaboration sundress (the first lady is stacked).

The guests invited will include Oprah Winfrey, Beyonce, Kevin Hart, Cam Newton, Lebron James and Steph Curry. Cedric the Entertainer and Steve Harvey will host a tribute roast in Obama’s honor which will be preceded by a Spike Lee directed mini-documentary after everyone eats.

The list of white people invited will be very limited. Vice President Biden and the Clintons of course, Bill will forever be our boy. Everybody loves Betty White, her Justice Ginsberg and Harry Bellafonte can chill at the elderly table. Once you have kids with a black person you’re officially black, come on through Robert DeNiro and Gary Owen. Brad Pitt did a lot for Katrina relief. He and Angelina also have an adopted African child, they’re invited. Louis C.K. keeps it real, he’s invited. To be honest, we can’t deny Bernie Sanders either.

Denzel Washington will have the honor of presenting Obama with a gold presidential plaque donated to him by the NAACP, Essence Magazine and Oprah commemorating his term as the first Black President of The United States. The Black White House cookout will be amazing. It isn’t impossible. I can get the perfect mix of what I wanted in 2008 with what we got in 2012. A hood cookout on the White House back lawn. Did I forget to mention the entire cookout will be sponsored by Hennessy? This cookout would be so lit!

http://whycauseican.com/2016/03/02/whitepeopleinvitedtothecookout-is-truly-the-funniest-thing-on-the-internet-right-now/