Brendan Whitt


Socially Casua(Acceptab)l(e) Dress

You wake up in the a.m., rethink your entire life up until the point where you hit snooze for the third time. It’s dark, you’re already hungry and the first yawn that you let out makes you appreciate the Egyptians for creating toothpaste and it’s subsequent evolution that now boasts cavity protection, tartar control, freshens breath, and promotes healthy gums. You sluggishly walk to your bathroom, disjointed and angry. Why are you angry, because it’s anywhere between 5 and 7 a.m. and some asshole thought that was the perfect time for humans to prepare for their busy days just like the jovial inhabitants of agrarian societies that were susceptible to failed crops, evil monarchs and the occasional plague.

Now you have to freshen up and look “presentable” for a place you don’t want to be with people that you don’t like. Like Marcy and her fucking picture of her grandchildren. Three perfectly little white kids smiling at you through a cheap picture frame that costs $4.99 from Big Lots. Not to mention the late husband in the other frame who would have called the cops if you stepped on his lawn. He has that type of demeanor in his portrait. How fun is the commute to said hell hole? Get in your car that you can barely afford or catch the bus that you barely caught on time just to punch the clock. Maybe today will be better because your Spotify curated a good Daily mix this morning.

You’re finally at work and now you’re in the thick of it. Files, phone calls, e-mails and the occasional micromanaging are just the tip of the iceberg of all of your daily work troubles. Then you go home for the day to repeat this cycle at least four more times this week.

What if I told you that tomorrow when you wake up you have to wear a special mask and suit? Do you need to know more? Ok. This mask and suit is the key to a doorway. Your mask grants you access through certain portals that you otherwise would never have the opportunity to pass through. This mask can literally change people’s perception of you. Your suit is the set of guidelines placed before you, a form of code of conduct. Wearing your mask and your suit make you impervious to the woes sufferable with out said garments. Your suit and mask grants you immunities that other ensembles don’t receive.

Now let’s try this again. You wake up groggy, breath is rank, it’s early and still dark outside. This morning is different because you have your mask and your suit on. Without it you don’t get clearance into the building and Marcy doesn’t even recognize you. You are a pariah, an untouchable. How dare you come outside without your mask and suit on?

Oh, well lucky you. You don’t need a mask and suit do you? Well we all don’t have that luxury. Some of us have to wake up and go through the same routine you do but with an extra step. You wake up and freshen up. Others wake up, freshen up, then suit up. Now before I take my leave just know that too much application of your mask and suit will result in some drastic and maybe permanent changes. These include but are not limited to change in voice and enunciation, loss of close friendships, changes in dating preferences and habits, as well as a decline in style. Apply your mask and suit with caution and be cautious of those who don’t need them.